Dear, Dear Diary
by Adele Elisabeth
Summary: The diary of Morganna Montaque, aged 16, the year 1987. Nothing, she repeats, nothing is going right. Poor 'Ganna. Read on...
1. Naivete

[Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter, Morag Snape is in the books, Harry was accidently [innocent look] killed by a Death Eater who was actually aiming for somebody else, Morganna's in the books, Severus doesn't brood so much and can occasionally be persuaded to wear something other than black....

Aww, shit. I woke up.

And the title 'Dear, Dear Diary' belongs to Pink, as it is the title of one of her songs.] 

Okay, this story is entirely entries in the diary of Morganna Montaque. Not dated, because I'm lazy. If you haven't read my other stories, you won't get most of it, because you know, when someone's writing in their diary, they don't expect anyone else to read it, so don't explain everything. 

Dear, Dear Diary

Summary: The diary of Morganna Montaque, aged 16. The year is 1987. Nothing, she repeats, nothing is going right. Poor 'Ganna. Read on...

by Adele Elisabeth

Dear Diary,

It wasn't supposed to go like that! He was supposed to love me...

Me. 

Not her. 

Of course, I had to be kidding myself if I thought I had even half a chance. Realistically, why would he want me when he could have her.

What does she have that I don't? 

Why would he love her instead of me?

I hate him. No, I wish I could hate him. I can't, and that's what hurts the most. 

Because I love him too much. And it's not just puppy-love, it's real. I love him so much it hurts, and I just want to stop...I want to make it all go away so I can get on with my life as if it never happened.

I should have known. How could I not know? He's one of my closest friends. Probably my closest, to be honest. And he didn't tell me he was engaged.

Why didn't he tell me? I was the last to know, I bloody well know it. I thought we were friends. 

Didn't he care enough to tell me? Why didn't he tell me? If I were engaged, I'd tell him, I know I would. I would want to share my happiness. 

Was I not important enough to know? 

Why, why, why, why, why?

It's just not fair. 

Everything I do won't ever be enough. He'll be married to her, and having children, and loving her...and I'll be crying over shattered dreams that I never should have had in the first place. 

Life's not fair. Yeah, I got that! 

~ Morganna

Dear Diary,

I lied to Lily when I told her I was okay. That I was over Severus.

I couldn't just be magically 'over' him, as much as I wish I could. Everytime I think of him...I seem him with her, kissing her, holding her...

And it hurts, it's like a punch in the gut, or a knife, cutting out my heart...slowly.

Somebody must be worrying about me. I'm not sure who yet, but it certainly isn't Severus. He hasn't said two words to me since my absurd little confession. 

I took four years of friendship and threw them all away with three stupid, stupid words. Severus may find it easy to stop giving a damn about me, but I'm going to find him a lot harder to let go of. I don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't know what to do that'll make it any better. I can't make it better, and I have no control over it. I can't deal with this, I just can't. I have not being in control of my life, but right now...everything's spiralling out of my control, and it's scaring me. I don't know what to do anymore. 

Maybe I'll just write a letter to Rene. Rene always makes it better. No, I can't do that. I can't admit to him...I'm his princess. I couldn't bear for him to look at me, knowing what a foolish thing I did, knowing that I'm in all this pain and it's all my own fault. 

I don't need that, not on top of all this.

I will regain control of my own life, if it kills me.

Right now, it feels like it might.

~ Morganna

Dear Diary, 

I'm sorry I haven't written much lately, it's just everything's been so...god, I can't even begin to describe it.

But I'll try my best. 

I met Jonathan O'Connell, last week, perhaps, I forget. 

His girlfriend had dumped him (again), and he was looking for a pretty face to take to a party to make her jealous. I didn't know that, then. Somewhere between the bad music and moping, we ended up in bed. Whatever thoughts I've had of my 'first time', that wasn't it.

For the record, though, I'm not complaining. 

Or, wasn't then.

I'm going to be a mummy. 

I'm so stupid. Mistake after bloody mistake. First Severus...now Jonathan, and this...I'm having a baby. I can't deal with all this, it's too much. Too much for me. 

Jonathan and his perfect little bitch of a girlfriend are happy together again, but I was petty enough to make sure she overheard my conversation with Jonathan about impending parenthood. He spent the next few hours trying to get his girlfriend to come out of the bathroom, where she was crying. 

Her! Crying! I'm the one who has to bring a child into this world, care for it...I'm too young for this. I'm too young to be a mother. For god's sake, Lucia'd be a better mother than me, I'm sure. 

Lacrimosa, even!

I couldn't bear looking in Rene's eyes when I told him. I was so scared he'd be...disappointed in me. That he would look at me with that sad look, and I'd just break down, because I can't bear it when he's disappointed in me. 

But he wasn't, he just cuddled me up in his arms and promised things would be okay. He promised.

So they have to be. 

They certainly can't get any worse than this.

~ Morganna

Dear Diary,

This is all Severus's fault. If he'd loved me, instead of that...girl, I would never have gotten myself into this mess. If he'd just loved me...

No, this isn't his fault. I'm not so childish that I actually believe that. Severus couldn't have forseen any of this. I will take responsibility for my own actions, however much that terrifies me. 

I can't believe this. Even after...everything, I still love that bastard. If there were a god, if some higher power, some benevolent deity were watching over us, She'd at least let me hate him. 

I want so much to hate him.

~ Morganna

Dear Diary,

I'm going to tell Severus about my baby.

My baby.

I'm going to tell him. I'll...I'll ask him to be godfather. I'm sure he'll do that, at least. We were, after all, friends. 

Stuart wants to come to England and 'beat the shit out of that son of a bitch who knocked you up, 'Ganna', I believe were his exact words. 

I'm too tired to argue with him on this. If he wants to reduce Jonathan to a bloodied pulp, I'm not going to stop him. 

Okay, okay, yes, I would. 

But I told Stuart he could come to England, if only because I need somebody to lean on. Stuart's my big brother, and I love him. He's what I lean on when I can't stand up on my own. He knows that, and I know that. We just never talk about it. 

I miss him. Him and Rene. 

All I have to do is close my eyes and hide in their arms, and all is all right with the world, if only for a little while. 

~ Morganna

Dear Diary,

Stuart couldn't come, but he sent me a book for pregnant witches. Rene wrote me a letter too, and they both suggested baby names. 

I want to name my baby Severin if it's a boy. 

It's so easy to make plans like this, when my belly is flat and I can pretend it's all just a horrible dream.

But in a few month's time, it'll be a reality, and that's just not fair...

I miss naivete. 

~ Morganna

Okay guys, that's all there is (for now, anyhow), because by now, everybody should know the story. Y'all know what happens. And if you don't, then you probably didn't get most of this story either.

But if you all are very, very good little readers (and reviewers, hint hint), I might just do a chapter two. Probably not, because it's easier to write depressing and it gets overwhelmingly happy after this, but there you go. 

Love,

Your Devoted Author


	2. Looking Back

[Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter...there'd be some changes 'round here...[evil gleam in eye]]

Okay, I'm writing a chapter two to this because I got this great idea...well, I think it's great, but you guys might disagree. 

Read on to see what it is...

Dear, Dear Diary

Chapter Two: Looking Back

by Adele Elisabeth

Dear Diary,

My, how the time passes. I haven't written in this since I was 16! But, times have changed, and most certainly for the better.

You see, my daughter is now 16 herself, and attending Hogwarts. I swore I would send her to Beauxbatons -- back then, I blamed all my troubles on coming to England. I never would have met Severus if I'd just stayed safely in France. 

Now I know better -- as bad as things were then, and believe me, they got worse before they got better, but meeting Severus Snape was the best thing that ever happened to me. Perhaps, if he'd been more observant, if I'd moved faster...maybe we could have skipped the heartache and pain. Maybe I'd have gotten the fairytale I dreamed of.

I used to dream about how I'd get married. First, he would ask me to marry him (on bended knee, no less), and then I'd just gasp when I saw how beautiful my engagement ring was, and we'd have a long engagement, with a picture-perfect wedding to end, and live...happily ever after.

Unfortunately, I never got any of those things, but I did marry Severus. We have been married for sixteen years now, and I love him as much now as I did then. 

The night I told Severus about baby (her name is Morag, and she thankfully looks nothing like her father, though she does have his irritating drawl when she wants to), he told me that he wasn't marrying Akira. Before he said that, I could barely bear to look at him, because when I did, I'd see him...with her. And then he told me that, and I had to choke back hope, because hope just gets you hurt. 

He said he couldn't marry her because he loved someone else. I had to remind myself to breathe. The rest of the night up until our wedding is mostly a blur, but I remember well the wedding. 

He passed out afterwards, and there was no heartbeat, no pulse...

I lost him before I had him, and I cried myself to sleep. I didn't bother to hide my wedding ring, though, I wanted to make sure everybody knew who Severus gave his love to before he died. A foolish whim, perhaps, but it was really all I had. I remember thinking "I'm too young to be a widow", and visions of people comforting his former fiancee flashed through my mind. 

Of course, what happened on what I think was the next day, now that was truly frightening. 

Severus hadn't actually died. I thought my heart would stop when he sat up, but I was so relieved. I had everything I needed right there, right then. 

It would have been lovely just to stay in that moment. 

I never did get an engagement ring, though. Don't think I'm not happy with what I do have, because I am, but it would have been nice.

Nevermind. It's far too late for might-have-beens. I saw a world of might-have-beens the first time Severus Snape kissed me, and that was...that was a mistake, on both our parts. More his, though, considering he'd just told me he was engaged. 

Must dash, Morag just set the kitchen on fire.

~ Morganna (Snape!)

Okay, this is my mother's diary, and she's going to kill me when she finds out I've been reading it, but I was really curious. I mean, I've never gotten the whole story about the 'circumstances' surrounding my birth. I know it, sort of, but I don't know how Mum felt about it all.

Do now! Mum, I know you're going to hex me from here to Kingdom Come when you see this, but I couldn't help myself. Admit it -- this would make a brilliant story. Can't you just imagine if somebody wrote about us? Maybe we'd get royalties...and there'd be one of those Muggle things, a movie, and it'd be so cool...

Okay, waaaaaaaaay off track. Sheesh. Right, back to the...track. Whatev. 

Now I just got to see if I can locate Daddy's diary. I'm sorry, journal. Guys don't have diaries, do they? Pfft. Losers. Except for Draco. But you don't need to know that. Off track again, sorry. Back to the 'track'. Basically, if you know where Daddy might keep his old diary, give me a hint, because now that I've seen your perspective thingie on things, I really want to know his. 

'Kay? Love ya Mum,

- Morag

Dear Diary, 

Morag Lillith Snape, if you are reading this, stop reading immediately.

And you might want to check the attic for your father's diary. We have all sorts of old things up there. But I couldn't say for sure, because you never really know.

~ Morganna

***

How was that? I liked it. 

Yes, I know, I'm neglecting the other two stories I'm actually supposed to be working on for this series, but I'm trying my hardest, honest!

Morag: As if you could be honest.

Adele: Bite me. 

Morag: Don't give me ideas.

Adele: Can you say, 'Ewww'?

Morag: Yes. Yes I can.

Adele: Have I mentioned how much I hated you lately?

Morag: Oddly enough...no. But don't worry, I'm well aware. Now, readers, you good little readers you, I have a poll. 

Would you like to 

[a] have Morag walk in on her parents? (Only fair, Morganna walked in on Morag and Draco)

Morag: Don't vote for that. Do NOT vote for that. Talk about yick.

[b] see more Draco/Morag fluffiness. 

Morag: [prods voters towards option [b]]

[c] see Severus/Morganna fluffiness.

Morag: My parents are old! They don't do fluffies!

Adele: I'm sure they beg to differ.

Morag: Yeah, but I'd rather NOT hear about it.

[d] or lastly, have some genuine female bonding, with retail therapy used to help ease a sorrowful friend through unfortunate boyfriend troubles. 

Morag: It's a stupid poll. But we're bored.

Adele: She made me do it! SHE made me do it!

Morag: [takes a bow]


End file.
